When I allow myself to be alone with my thoughts, I find that I am in a dark place these days.
If I were honest, I’d admit that sometimes I feel anger towards my tiniest daughter. I see her crossed eyes and her limp body and all of the things the world labels as imperfections, and I grow frustrated with her. I want to be able to move on from tests and doctors and questions and therapy. I want her to crawl. I want her to gain weight. She’s slowing down my life and making it hard for me to love her in the way I always knew. And just when I feel myself spiraling out of control, the Lord shushes me. I cry an ugly cry and think back on that statement and realize how beautiful it is.
She’s slowing down my life and making it hard for me to love her in the way I always knew.
She’s slowing down my life and making it hard for me to love her in the way I always knew.
She’s slowing down my life and making it hard for me to love her in the way I always knew.
She’s doing a new thing in me, and I am so blessed to call her mine.
16 Comments
It’s so hard to process life when things don’t go as we had planned. God chose you to be her mama on purpose, and you are doing a wonderful job. I love reading what you write about her. And her pink dress is ADORABLE. :-)
Thanks for the sweet words! That dress was thrifted, and it’s one of our favorites. Love love LOVE baby dresses with zippers :)
I admire your honesty. Honesty is such a hard thing to come by these days. You are a strong, amazing Mama. Look at her face. Your lil babe is a precious, precious soul. My husband always tells me that we are only given what we can ourselves handle. I know words are only that. Words. But you are doing wonderfully. Some days (and sometimes a lot of days) are much harder than others. Sit in the sunshine today. Soak those rays up! xo
Oh, Rachael. Yes. And Grace. And more grace. A new thing. A new, beautiful thing.
I feel you! Sometimes, I get so frustrated with my tiny girl when she chokes on feeds, or gets milk in her nose and spends the rest of the night screaming because she’s struggling to breathe, or when I think about how she may never b really potty trained. And sometimes I get angry with God and with life when I think about why she has spina bifida, or when I feel disconnected from her and feel like her time in the NICU robbed us of a crucial bond, or when I wonder if she will ever walk and the difficulties she will face trying to get there. But then I feel terrible. She is a beautiful gift. She is here. She is mine. And we have things to teach one another.
Keep it up, mama. You all seem to be thriving so beautifully!
been there. and i can say, you will come out on the other side. his grace is more than sufficient. and one day, she will amaze you…the fighter she is within. the words she overcame to be a vivacious lover & go getter of life. but for now, i can see that although it’s a dark place, you’re finding light in the right place.
grace & peace!
She is beautiful. Just the way she is. Beautiful.
Your honesty is so refreshing and renewing. Thank you for sharing!
I think I just cried? I love that little girl and love you.
thank you.
Oh momma isn’t it amazing how God uses our special lady bugs to change our lives. In the midst of darkness he IS working. The journey with Finn has been one of the hardest yet beautiful times in my life. Hard because disease is ravaging my baby, beautiful because God is using this mess to change and grow me into who he intended me to be. bittersweet. If you ever need an ear or a hug, I have been and still am there.
I have big ol’ tears in my eyes. I know that it must be hard, but that precious girl teaches you things you may have never been able to learn. She is such a beautiful gift.
Oh Rach, this is such a hard thing. I admire your honesty and your heart. I love you!
You are one of my most favorite people on this lil ol’ Internet. Your real and true honesty is inspiring and motivating and lets us all know we’re not alone in our dark thoughts and hard seasons. You know it’s okay to have really raw emotions — we HAVE to feel them to get to the next place, the place of acceptance and growth. What a strong mama and woman you are — I know you’ll come out on the other side of all this just fine. <3
Wow…your honesty and heatrfeltness is so amazing. And your insight into your situation is beautiful. My prayers are with you, Mama. You’re a beautiful soul :)