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I literally fantasize about ropes on a regular basis. I imagine tying perfect knots into a yellow rope and storing it in the Suburban. I imagine going to fun & exciting places with all of my kids, by myself, in a safe and orderly fashion. That is….when the twins finally grow. And if they ever decide to walk.
Despite his best attempts, I don’t think Chris will be successful in convincing me to have any more babies. The longer the sisters take to turn into toddlers, the more restless and frustrated I become. If I see one more photo of a chubbier-and-younger-than-mine baby who’s walking, I might lose it. When people ask how old they are now, I just say “one.” Nobody’s walking. Nobody’s talking. Nobody’s content to play independently. Nobody’s down to one nap a day. Nobody can last more than a half hour at the pool, much less a museum or an amusement park.
This has become a sore spot for me because I feel so ungrateful to complain. We’ve been blessed with fertility and beautiful babies, and we chose to have them all close together. Our family and friends often remark at how easy and fun everyone is. The big boys are so helpful, and they aren’t tired of the younger ones yet – which is huge. I’m trying to change my perspective and thank God for giving us such a long infant stage. Some babies grow too fast for their parents. But it’s getting hard, and I’m running out of steam. I feel like I’ve been a newborn mama forever, and y’all know how I feel about that.
I’m getting much better. I’ve learned to protect myself on days like this. I avoid social media photos and I embrace the babies in my house. My “reset button” seems to be located in my nose. I spend a few extra seconds inhaling the sisters. Soon, that innocently sweet smell will take on a sweaty scent. Those feet that still wear newborn shoes will stink to high heaven. Their little zombie crawls will be replaced by running, and I’ll have to chase them down just to get a hug.
I know it will feel bittersweet, for our family to move on from infancy. I will miss the days when I tripped over the dogs while carrying two refusing-to-walk toddlers down the stairs. But on days like these, I must admit – I look forward to the bittersweet. And so I fantasize about ropes.
23 Comments
My twins had 6 weeks in the NICU, which used my whole maternity leave. I worked until they were 15 months old and missed so much of their development. My gals didn’t crawl until 10 months, didn’t stand until almost a year, didn’t walk until 13 1/2 months, and barely spoke until 20 months. My gals were slow to meet all the milestones. Now at 26 months, they have a very advanced vocabulary, play well together, have strong bodies and personalities, and are surpassing their peers in fine motor skills, potty trainings, and are great eaters. During the girls’ first 18 months, I would get sad, frustrated, and annoyed, especially when people said, “they’ll do things in their own time.” I didn’t care. I wanted the girls to catch up. Now I realize that all their early struggles, their delays, and their slow start is a big part of what makes them the cool little people they are today.
So I won’t say, “the sisters will develop in their own time,” because I know how that feels. What I’ll say is that I’ll pray for you to have strength and peace right now, so you can enjoy the last of your daughters babyhood.
Thank you! This made me cry.
I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to cry. But if it makes you feel better, I’m teary now, too!
Happy, encouraged cries are always welcome!
You’re waiting for something. Stop waiting. Stop expecting. Submit to the present. You won’t find peace like this. You deserve peace.
I will say it, because I feel as though no one else will. You are ALLOWED to feel this way. You are allowed to feel frustrated, upset, and everything else in between. The beauty of your frustration is that you KNOW there is light at the end of this tunnel, and you know that God is on your side. With those two things at the front of your mind, pick yourself up tomorrow after today’s pity party, and keep it movin’. God’s got this!
Thank you! Freedom in honesty, for sure.
I used to hate being fat and pregnant, now I would do anything to have that feeling again. I used to get so frustrated breastfeeding all the time, now I would give anything to hold my baby like that again. I used to hate how my house looked like a toy factory exploded, now I look at a coffee table that used to be filled with Thomas and its empty. I know in this moment things can seem unbearable, but I promise one day when they are grown, and your house is quiet, and your arms are empty, you will treasure the moments that right now seem so hard and frustrating. You are a beautiful, wonderful mother, and know God will be with you through it all.
i admire your honesty. whats the use in having a blog if you cant be transparent? if you wanted to make a pretty picture, you’d be a painter. this is your life and i think its great that you embrace the good, bad and the ugly. (and from most of what you put on here, your life is down right beautiful) im just the opposite–my baby grew too fast. is still growing too fast. people seem to be giving the side eye for not potty training when shes very clearly ready…but diapers are all i have left of babyhood! :) hang in there, you’re doing a great job.
I appreciate the encouragement! And I totally get the sad feeling, too. I have NO plans to take away Honor’s pacifier anytime soon :)
I love how honest you are about this. I don’t have twins but have a just-turned 4 year old, 2.5 year old, and 18 month old. Our 18 month old is the final baby, and she only started walking last month! I couldn’t wait for her to start walking. I often feel guilty about looking forward to the next phase, but I also think that is very normal when you have little ones so close in age. I always find myself daydreaming about “this time next year…” and I constantly try to remind myself to enjoy this moment and remind myself that I’ll be missing these “baby” days soon. I don’t have any answers for you, but just wanted to thank you for your honesty and let you know that I completely get this phase that you are in. You have a beautiful family and a very inspiring outlook!
Thank you! I love hearing about kids who walk a bit later. It feels like every mama friend I know has a walker before age one!
you’re not alone! my little guy (turns 1 in 3 weeks) is slow to get moving, too. he babbles constantly, but only has 2 teeth, just started to army crawl (and will only do it for 10mins top, then he just puts his head down and cries), just started crusing, still takes 2 naps and refuses to stand on his own. i feel tethered to our home and trapped sometimes, too. people keep saying ‘enjoy his immobility while it lasts, soon you’ll be running after him.’ but, how can i enjoy it when he doesn’t enjoy it?– he whines and begs me to pick him up, army crawls just to reach my foot/knee/leg to grab hold until i reach down and scoop him up.
anyway, all that to say– you’re not alone :) it’s ok to be frustrated!
Hey, your kid isn’t even one yet! My boy didn’t walk until 15months, so that was my reference point and why this past week has left me sad. I totally understand the frustration, though, so I’ll shut up! And the frustration because they’re not enjoying it? I am TOTALLY there!
haha true— the whining makes it feel longer! :)
Do you read http://thegreatumbrellaheist.blogspot.com/? Her post today made me thing of you. You’re doing a great job, mama!
Have read it before; will revisit now!
The boys took forever to walk. They started fully crawling around Christmas, when they were 10 months. Family were telling me that Chikezie and I both walked really early. The boys met all of their physical milestones easily after birth, being born a month early they bulked up and surpassed all the kids. I was proud for some reason, that my kids were big. It was a big deal to me, maybe because my brothers and sister were so premature and in the NICU for over a month.
They reached a year, and passed it and still no walking. They were big kids, they were strong, why no walking? They walked on their knees everywhere and people kept asking me when they’d start walking and why they did that. I was so tired of carrying these huge kids everywhere. They didn’t start walking fully until over 16 months.
And now here we are, going on 29 months and they’re still not talking like everyone says they should be. People keep asking me when they’re going to talk, if I’m going to put them into therapy…because obviously there must be something wrong.
There’s nothing wrong with them. I know I hated hearing this, but it helped me; they TRULY do things at their own pace. No matter how hard it is to watch other children surpass them, no matter how much we try to push them to do things in our own timeline, they develop as their bodies and brains allow. I’m not saying the boys wouldn’t benefit from therapy but I know by the time they’re ready for preschool, this delay will have made no difference.
It’s ok to feel like this, to wish your children to be “normal” or ahead of the curve. It kills me when other kids are talking in full sentences and mine are still squeaking out one syllable words. But I know they’ll get there and I have to literally remind myself of this multiple times every day.
I love your story! Thank you!!
I’m right there with ya! My boys were born three months early, but even though their “adjusted” birthday (1 year from their due date) was in June they’re still not walking. This super long baby stage has been really tough for us, too. My husband used to call the boys the world’s oldest newborns. :) I think the thing that make TWINS not walking so hard is that…there’s TWO of them! If it was just one baby not walking it would not be as much trouble to just carry that one baby around. But carrying two babies around all day is so hard! I especially wish we could play outside more with my 3 year old, but it’s just almost impossible when the boyso crawl on the driveway and scrape up their knees. Ah, just another thing that’s tough with twins. I’ve often remind myself just what you wrote – that I’m so blessed to have these sweet little babies for so long…I just love their tiny little 18 pound bodies. Soon enough they will get bigger and stronger!
Wow, it sounds like you are right where we are! Keep me updated.
this post had me well up with tears. we recently made the decision to not have any more children. while i am on board with that, it’s a little hard on the heart. like you, i’m trying to hold on to the infancy. not rush the toddler stages. because before you know it they’re turning seven like my oldest just did. i want to hold on to time and never let them go!
xo
So bittersweet, huh?!