One month ago today…

And so did everyone else on our team, for that matter.

Our midwives, our family, our friends.

It was a day I’ll never forget, and I revisit it often with a joy that makes my heart and

eyes well up and over.

You have definitely blessed us with plenty of sleep and quiet moments,

but I have decided the immediate newborn stage is not for me.

I struggled a lot in the beginning, feeling like a machine that produced milk and diaper changes, with no human interaction. Oh, how desperately I wanted you to look into my eyes. I wanted to feel you know me & recognize me, but you didn’t. You slept in anyone’s and everyone’s arms, and you were content to stare off into space (especially if there were windows or lamps nearby). I knew there would be a moment when it would click for us, but I was impatient. After all, I’m returning to work soon, and I wanted each precious second I had with you to be filled with bonding and connection.

Two days ago, you looked into my eyes for the very first time. You glanced up at me, zeroed in, and stared… for a good three seconds or so, time stood still. It made it all worth it, Ames. Every single one of those moments, when you’ve peed on me during diaper changes, or let me have a piece of your mind because I couldn’t nurse you fast enough.

Those huge gray/blue (soon to change) eyes looked into mine and stole my heart.

And I’m actually thankful it took awhile to get to this point.

I will never take this feeling for granted.

I’ve had more patience for you and the older boys in the last 48 hours

than I’ve had in your first four weeks combined.

As far as the nitty gritty details go, I wanted to document a few things:

– Cloth diapering is going really well. We’ve used some disposables at night, which is a relief when the three of us can barely keep our eyes open. But all in all, using cloth doesn’t add much time or effort to our regular routine. I wash your diapers every other day, and you haven’t met a diaper yet that doesn’t suit you. I’m very pleased.

– You’re eating every 2.5-3 hours during the day, and every 3-4 hours at night. This is a huge blessing, and I don’t want to take it for granted. Sleep is very important to me, sometimes too important. I obsess over getting enough and ensuring my family gets enough. I think God has really blessed us with you, mister… you fit right into your mama’s anal-retentive sleep schedule. And getting adjusted @ the chiropractor 3 times a week isn’t hurting either. I’m convinced it’s what’s helping you sleep and stay so pleasant!

– Daddy holds you a lot, and I love watching you two interact. He says you turn your head when you hear my voice, too, even if it’s from another room! I love that. You are so alert, so ready to embrace this world head-on. I even have a hard time getting you to snuggle on my chest because you’re so determined to keep your head up and check things out all of the time.

– You seem to like to keep your hands by your face, especially while you sleep (you are your Daddy’s child); I can’t get enough of your different facial expressions. Sometimes, you rest your hands on your chest like an old man. Other times, you clasp your tiny fingers together under your chin and stare up at me while I’m wearing you in a sling or a wrap, and it looks like you’re plotting something super evil.